The Stages of Change Model for Domestic Violence Helpers
At The Hotline, we often hear from people who want to help a family member or someone experiencing abuse. They reach out to learn how to support a loved one, find helpful resources, and get support themselves. One challenge family and friends experience is their loved one not taking the steps they think are needed. They often ask, “Why won’t they listen to me?” or “Why won’t they leave?” This is most likely because the survivor is not in a stage of change where they feel ready or able to leave. But what does that mean?
At The Hotline, we use the Stages of Change Model to determine where survivors are on their journey to safety. This theory, also called the Transtheoretical Model, was developed in the 1970s to describe the cyclical process of intentional behavior changes.
Here are some suggestions for adapting the stages of change model to support domestic violence survivors.
The Stages of Change
It’s crucial to recognize that this tool is flexible, and you can’t always pin a survivor to a certain stage. However, having a general idea of what stage a survivor is at can give helpers insight into more effective ways to support their loved ones. The Stages of Change Model uses six stages to change a behavior: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, maintenance, and relapse.
Knowing the stages can help you identify warning signs of relapse or distress. Additionally, it can help determine the most appropriate course of action for the survivor. The following sections outline the six stages of the process.
Stage 1: Pre-contemplation
At this stage, whatever the reason, the survivor has no intention of changing anytime soon. These reasons can include not understanding what abuse is, refusal to admit the relationship is abusive, or self-blame (frequently due to gaslighting). They might have reached out because their support system encouraged them or because they are curious. This could sound like:
- “My partner only hits me when I do something wrong. That’s not abuse, it’s me not listening like I should.”
- “I’m just calling because my mom keeps bugging me about it. Every marriage has issues, but her calling it abusive seems dramatic.”
You can help someone at this stage by validating their feelings and experiences while not validating the abuse. Educating the survivor on domestic violence and healthy relationships and encouraging them to learn more on their own can also be helpful.
Stage 2: Contemplation
The survivor might want to make changes but is unsure how or when to bring about those changes. They might be weighing the pros and cons, or hoping things change (often because an abusive partner says ‘they’ll change’ or will ‘get help’). The survivor could be in limbo due to the fear or uncertainty of what will happen after they leave. Concerns about finances, where they will live, and what will happen to their children are just a few reasons why people stay, even when they recognize the abuse. This can sound like:
- “I know this is abusive, but I don’t know if I can leave yet. My kids need two parents.”
- “I don’t know where I’d go. I’d rather stay here than have to give up my dog or find another place.”
You can support a survivor contemplating leaving by validating that change is scary. Let them know how brave they are for considering it. You can also educate them on common phrases and terms abusive partners use to keep their partners from leaving.
Stage 3: Preparation
At this point in the stages of change, the survivor wants things to improve but is not taking action to change the outcome. This can sound like:
- “I won’t feel safe leaving until I have a good job, because I’d be too worried about my kids having food on the table.”
- “I have to wait for my lease to end to find another place.”
To support a survivor at this stage, one question to ask yourself is “How can I ease the load on the survivor?” You can validate how overwhelming preparation can be but remind them they are not alone. Depending on the survivor’s needs, you can also help with things like finding an affordable place to live, finding legal support to help them, or connecting them to local resources that meet their needs.
Stage 4: Action
In this step, a survivor has just made the critical change and may need assistance dealing with the aftermath. As a result, this may be one of the most challenging stages because there is still a lot to do for survivors to feel safe, and survivors may regret their decision. A situation at this stage might look like this:
- “I just left yesterday and am at my mom’s house. How can I safely get my children to school?”
- “I thought leaving would fix all my issues, but now I have added far too many more.”
At this stage, helping a survivor involves validating that they have made a big step on their journey and recognizing that it can seem overwhelming. Remind them of the importance of self-care and tell them about local resources that can help with their concerns.
Stage 5: Maintenance
At this stage, the survivor has been out of the abusive relationship for a while. However, they may still have things to address, such as legal issues or long-term housing. This may sound like:
- “It has been six months, and I still cry about it every day. What is wrong with me?”
- “I do not know if my kids are happy. Maybe I was wrong.”
At this stage, it is crucial to validate the survivor’s feelings. Acknowledging the difficulty of the situation while still letting them know they made the right decision is okay. Sometimes, all they need is a non-judgmental ear to listen to them. You can also support them by telling them about programs that offer help (such as counseling, support groups, or legal aid).
Stage 6: Relapse
Sometimes survivors go back to the abusive situation. There are many reasons why someone returns. During this stage, it’s important to be non-judgmental. The survivor may feel frustrated, vulnerable, or embarrassed that they went back to the situation. Validate how difficult it can be to leave and let them know you are still there to support them.
Be very careful when comparing the term relapse to domestic violence. You don’t want to make the survivor feel guilty or ashamed of returning to their abusive partner.
It’s helpful to know that survivors who usually return to an abusive situation can transition from this stage to almost any of the other stages of change.
Help is available.
Depending on where someone is in the stages of change process, they may require varying levels of support. There is no right way to support a survivor; each person has their journey to safety. If you’re worried about someone, our advocates are available 24/7 by phone, chat, or text. They can help you identify the stage of change the survivor is in or connect you to resources that can help at the moment. Together, we can create a world where all relationships are free from violence.