Myths Around Men Experiencing Abuse

We know that 1 in 10 men have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner. And yet, we also hear from our male contacts that they are not believed or taken seriously when reporting the abuse to family members, friends, or law enforcement. On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. So violence can and does happen to men too!

“Contribution of Media to the Normalization and Perpetuation of Domestic Violence” shows that DV has become pervasive in society. It is partly because of media exposure that we have become desensitized and even accustomed to it. According to this study, “chronic and repeated exposure to domestic violence is believed to cause changes in affective, cognitive, and behavioral processes.” So, what happens when this repeated exposure only portrays men as perpetrators and not victims? You get the idea.

But make no mistake: domestic violence is not normal, and it’s not a joke. It’s not something we should readily accept as only happening to women. It happens to men too.

Male contacts tell us daily that they feel like less of a man when experiencing abuse in their relationships. Some have reported feeling so ashamed that they don’t want to acknowledge the abuse. They fear that if they do, they will make the situation “real.”

According to the American Psychological Association, stereotypes of masculinity can have a negative effect on young boys and men because they can stigmatize “normal human emotions.” If a man feels stigmatized about what’s happening to him, it’s more likely he won’t report the abuse. They might not want to talk about ways of dealing with it and their emotions. Feeling angry, scared, or sad is normal for all people experiencing abuse, regardless of sex, gender identity, or sexual orientation. Men don’t have to “take it” (the abuse) to prove their masculinity.

While there seem to be more DV resources for women than men, steps continue to be taken to change this. In Oct. 2017, the Associated Press reported that only the second shelter specifically for men was opening in Texas. Now, even more resources are available to men.

It’s already hard dealing with abuse when you are heterosexual, but gay or trans men experience even more challenges. Sometimes, we hear from some LGBTQ+ contacts that reporting abuse in a same-sex or trans-relationship will bring “shame” to their community. They fear it will create more stereotypes or misinformation. Because of this, some people think this issue should only be dealt with behind closed doors. As Audre Lorde famously coined, “silence will not protect you.” Regardless of what your sexual orientation is, it is always worth talking about abuse, and it’s always worth leaving.

One of the most important ways to support male victims of abuse and domestic violence is to believe them. It’s worth repeating: do not judge, do not criticize, and listen without questioning the victim’s experience. It’s already hard enough to reach out for help when you are a man, so if you find that a male victim wants to share their experience with you, don’t be so quick to judge or assume that they are not telling the truth.

This is a great way to not only keep track of the situation but also to materialize the abuse, as we mentioned before, many people believe that if they don’t talk about it’s like it’s not really happening. If you are experiencing abuse, it may help to document the situation: There are several ways you can do document the abuse: take pictures of yourself if you have physical cuts and bruises, keep a calendar that shows the instances of the abuse suffered or start journaling as a way to document the abuse in an organized fashion. Documenting the abuse can help in two ways: It can be a cathartic way to deal with negative emotions and it may also help the victim to obtain legal aid later on. Remember, if you decide to document your experience, make sure your abuser can’t get access to your documents or pictures, so he/she can’t destroy the evidence and so that you can remain safe while you figure out the next steps in your relationship.

Perhaps there’s a good friend or a coworker you can confide in when talking about what you are experiencing. Having a strong support system could be the key to get through difficult times. You don’t have to share everything that is happening to you, but just the fact there is someone there to listen to what you are going through can be beneficial for your emotional well-being.

Keeping your mental, emotional and physical sanity in check are great ways to remain grounded during and after a situation of abuse. Perhaps you like to play video games, read comics or lift weights. Engage in activities that make you feel happy and good about yourself. Avoid self-destructive behaviors such binge-drinking, using drugs or anything that can have negative consequences for your health or the health of those around you.

Know that our advocates are here to support you every step of the way with a sympathetic hear and zero judgment. We are here 24/7/365 and our interactions are completely free and confidential.