Healthy BDSM Relationships Are Possible

Here at The Hotline, we hear from quite a few people who have questions about BDSM (which encompasses a variety of erotic practices or activities that may involve bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and/or sadism and masochism).They might be wondering if a healthy BDSM relationship is possible, or they may have concerns about a current relationship in which they’re practicing BDSM with a partner.

A lot of stigma is attached to certain sexual appetites and desires, but we want to be very clear that BDSM is not inherently or automatically abusive. It’s possible to have healthy BDSM relationships, and they require just as much–if not more–of the same things that healthy “vanilla” relationships do: trust, honesty, respect and equality.

Abuse is about one partner gaining and maintaining power and control over another, whereas healthy BDSM relationships revolve around a consensual power exchange. Abusive people will not be seeking consent, respecting boundaries or engaging in fantasies for mutual benefit. If you feel pressured to engage in any kind of sexual activity, kinky or vanilla, to “prove” your love/devotion/connection/submission etc. to your partner, that’s a huge red flag for sexual coercion and sexual abuse. If you don’t have the room to comfortably and freely say no, you don’t have the space to say yes. Consent is sober, informed, uncoerced, enthusiastic and can always be revoked.

With any type of partnered sex, it’s important to separate fantasy from reality. If you want to do something kinky, chances are it’s not going to have that instant gratification element that it does in movies and books. There are logistics to consider, such as personal feelings, appropriate conditions, consenting parties and more. Like any relationship, BDSM involves some level of mitigated risk and can, in some cases, reasonably lead to accident, injury, hurt feelings and otherwise uncomfortable scenarios. This makes excellent communication, a willingness to take personal responsibility for one’s choices, crisis management skills and a strong and healthy understanding of consent paramount in all BDSM interactions. If everyone involved is not comfortable communicating, taking responsibility, and ensuring consent at all times, that may mean it is not the right time for them to engage in BDSM or even to pursue a sexual relationship at all. And if BDSM is not for you, that’s okay. Everyone is different, and not everyone will enjoy and appreciate all aspects of BDSM.

With regards to equality, healthy BDSM relationships are based on the premise that both partners are equals and that one person consensually agrees to submit in a way that is mutually beneficial for them both. This submission is something that the bottom/submissive gives to the Dominant, and they have the right to take it back and walk away at any time. If someone is domineering, makes demands that are not agreed upon or are uncomfortable for the submissive, or treats the submissive in a way that makes them feel like they are less than a person and that they do not have a right to speak up for themselves, then it is not healthy. Be wary of anyone who solely dictates the rules of the relationship or does not allow community involvement and education – isolation is a common tactic of abuse.

Before you jump into anything kinky, it’s important to sit down with your partner(s) and talk about what kind of relationship everyone wants and what each person’s boundaries, expectations and limits are. Then talk about it some more. And then talk about it even more!

What people may not realize is how much communication goes into any type of BDSM relationship, whether that’s just in the bedroom or a 24/7 dynamic. Understanding even small things, like differences in terminology, is what keeps the encounter or arrangement safe and enjoyable for everyone. Communication with your partner(s) should be very open and ongoing. If you don’t feel like you can be honest with someone about every single detail of your fantasies, including what you want and what you don’t want, then you may want to re-evaluate your relationship with that person.

When practicing BDSM, it’s important to consider safety at all times. Below are some tips and important things to keep in mind for BDSM relationships:

• In BDSM play, safe words are necessary. Beware of anyone who says they “don’t use” a safe word or who requires it only to be used in emergencies. A safe word is for the safety of the bottom/submissive and should be used any time they feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or just need the scene to stop. In cases where a safe word cannot be verbalized, then a safe signal should be agreed upon. A Top/Dominant should also be aware of what physical signs to look for to ensure a bottom’s/submissive’s safety, i.e. shallow breathing, breath holding, hyperventilation, cold hands and feet, losing consciousness, etc. This is necessary to keep a scene safe and enjoyable for all parties. Even if a bottom fails to call a safe word, the Top is still responsible for their well-being, and it’s important they keep a constant monitor on the reaction time and reactivity of the bottom. This is not a sign of a ‘weak’ Dominant, but one who respects their play partner. It’s also common for Tops to check in regularly with their bottom to ensure they are still agreeable with what is happening.
• It’s important to recognize and agree to off-limit areas on the body (such as the neck or spinal column and kidneys) and agree on off-limit practices. It can also help to have a first-aid kit handy, as well as training in First Aid or CPR. Don’t be afraid to ask for documentation of this and a very recent STI report from a potential play partner.
• If you’re meeting someone for the first time, consider using Circle of 6 or Kitestring so you can quickly let people in your support system know if you’re in danger.
• It can be tempting to want to jump right into all the fun, kinky stuff you’re discovering with your equally enthusiastic partner(s), but it’s important to add new things slowly and not all at once. It can be overwhelming to try a lot of new things if you or your partner(s) don’t know how you will respond to them yet.
• Red flags in a BDSM relationship can include moving too quickly for your comfort; pressuring you into things you are unsure of; inappropriate attitudes, comments or questions that make you uncomfortable; unwillingness to follow safety guidelines; lack of communication or an unwillingness to communicate. If someone ignores a safe word or signal, or gives you attitude about any hard limit you have set, those are signs they do not and will not respect your boundaries and body. Always trust your gut instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

If you have questions or concerns about your relationship, Hotline advocates are available 24/7.